A day in the life
by Super Awesome Dragon Dudes
Summary: Caution. Lemons. The story of Altair... R&R! AltairXOC
1. Jasmine's Tale Or lack thereof

He watch as the blood spilled over his knife, and then he quietly leaned down to collect the dark pooling liquid on a feather.

"Annoying bitch. I never liked that Jasmine anyways."

He spat on her dead corpse and walked away slowly, savoring the taste of victory.

As he reached the end of the alley, a stunningly beautiful girl appeared out of nowhere and yelled his name.

"Altair! Altair!"

He quickly turned and was shocked by her golden hair that flowed down her back like a waterfall. Her purple eyes gazed into his with such... innocence...

Her slender hand grasped his calloused one tightly as she looked up at him. Altair proceeded to pass out from dehydration.

He woke up realizing that blond women weren't native to his land and he had passed out from dehydration. The girl who had called to him was merely a hallucination, a product of his lack of water.

He sat, in his bed (for lack of continuity), and looked around the room. Then he looked up at the starry sky.

"Where did my roof go?"

He proceeded to jump through the hole, but hit his head because there was, in fact, a roof. Amazingly, he had x-ray vision!

He felt his vision swimming as he experienced another hallucination. This time, it was a blond woman in a red dress who came up to him and started rubbing his back.

"Very well done, Gaius..." She purred in his ear, giving him an instant erection.

Then he stopped. "Wait... my name isn't Gaius!"

He woke up (again) realizing (again) that blonds in skimpy red dresses would not show up for about another millennia.

He sighed and stood to gather his things. Then he realized, that he had nothing to gather. And that he was, in fact, in love with the man next door. The muscular young man. His name was Link.

Altair opened his door and found Link standing there, shirtless and about to knock. Instead, he knocked on Altair's head, giving him an instant erection.

The assassin proceeded to pull Link inside and have massive sexual relations with him.

Altair left Link on the bed, sexually satisfied and jumped out the window. Again, a random girl who was extremely attractive and good at everything came up to him and looked at him. Altair, being tired of stupid sexually charged conversations and scenes with these girls, proceeded to drag her into an alley and bone her up against the wall. She enjoyed this immensely, especially when he held a knife to her throat. She exploded from his massive orgasm.

The End


	2. The Road to Caprica

**Alright... If anyone ACTUALLY read through the last chapter, we of the Super Awesome Dragon Dudes congratulate you. We're amazed that you actually took this seriously or found it humorous. In reality, this 'fanfic' was written at 2 am in the morning, after reading some REALLY CRAPPY ASSASSIN'S CREED FANFIC. Specifically, one called... Oh, we don't even remember, it was that bad. But it featured a girl named Jasmine. And that's why that's the first character we murdered.**

Altair realizing that nobody should be cursed with being around another Jasmine, he decided that his next mark would be... her family. (Dramatic music)

He walked - er, no, _sprinted_ down the streets of Damascus, jumping through merchant stands hoping to gain an achievement in his mind. The people he passed yelled and screamed at him, asking why he was doing what he was doing. Then, he stopped. Suddenly. Making several women with jars bump into him. They dropped their jars because they can't seem to hold on to their jars when they bump into white cloaked men. A lady looked at him and made a face.

"Why you no good, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!"

He looked shocked. "Who's scruffy-looking?!"

With a scoff, he flipped his hood and turned away. Before he bounded away, he turned to her confused as she picked the pieces of her broken jar.

"What in hell is a nerf?"

This time, she scoffed at him and strode away. After watching her ass for a few minutes, because he's a sex-driven monkey (at least, that's what all the other fanfics say...), he turned and FLEW AWAY! BECAUSE HE CAN! SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING AND TELEPORTING TO ANOTHER PLANET! THIS PLANET WAS KNOWN AS CAPRICA! A CYLON NUKE PROCEEDED TO DROP ON HIM AND HE DIED!

THE END!


	3. Crossing Boundaries

**Teh Mity Dargon**: For lack of continuity...  
**Master Dragonbater**: and because we fucking feel like it...  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: So begins our third chapter. Time you ask? 12:40 am. Sugar? None. We're running on fumes.  
**Master Dragonbater**: Really, this fanfic-  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: You mean this fucking Frankenstein Monstrosity...  
**Master Dragonbater**: -should've been named the "Days" in the life instead of "day". But, naming it "A day in the life" put us at the top. That's why you're reading it. Anyways, onwards DARGON! YIP YIP!  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: Woof! And here I go!

Captain's Log, Star Date 00- Wait a second... What's going on here? Shit.

Okay, for real this time.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away- Oops! Sorry! Wrong story...

Okay... for really real this time.

As Altair lay in bed with his lover, Link, he- Holy shit Dragonbater! We've made this a yaoi!! NOOOOO!!

**Master Dragonbater**: :slaps Dargon: Pull yourself together!  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: :whines: Alright... for serious now.

For serious, as Link's slowly softening cock came out of Altair's ass, the older man moaned as the younger man dismounted and they both collapsed onto the bed.

Altair brushed Link's sweaty blond hair from his face, and then bolted upright.

"Holy shit, Link! You're blond too!"

Link looked up at him languidly. "Yeah... well, I'm from a different fandom, so that's okay."

Altair settled down slowly and began to look deeply into Link's eyes.

Link looked back at him and then leaned in close for a kiss. When he pulled back, he looked at Altair carefully.

"Al... I have something to confess..." He looked pained.

"What is it, my love...?"

Link winced and started to twiddle his thumbs. "Uh... Al... I like girls..."

Altair looked hurt at first but then he smiled. "Yeah, I like girls too. Me liking men is just a product of fangirl longing and wish-fulfillment."

Link sighed explosively. "Ah! Well that's good. I'm glad I got that off my chest..." But when he looked at Altair, he could see the assassin's eyes roving across his young body and he blushed, feeling a little turned on. He laughed nervously. "Well... one more time for the road?"

Altair brightened. "Hell yes!" And the lithe assassin proceeded the hump the Hero of Time.

**:Later that day:**

Altair took his Leap of Faith off of the high tower into a random, but well-placed stack of hay. When he emerged like a whack-a-mole, he filled his lungs to the brim, threw his arms into the air, and screamed joyfully "VIVA LE FRANCE!"

Suddenly, at least twelve dozen guards appeared from nowhere and attacked him. He screamed loudly and ran away.

As he weaved through the streets, dodging people, and stumbling several times, his heart beat in his chest. He honestly feared for his life. The twelve dozen guards on his tail were like an army, marching through the throngs and pushing people down. Ahead of him, he spotted a merchant's stand. Leaping through the air, he rolled through the stand, destroying the many goods - "PING! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! 5g - Gifted Escapist"

He stopped dead looking around. The people around him began to cheer and clap, including the guards. He bowed to them with a big grin, and signed autographs, and kissed babies. Then he began his escape once again, while the kissed babies and vigilantes stopped the army of guards.

He ran up a wall with his super duper acrobatics skillz, but tripped and fell. On the wall. Somehow. He fell onto a box, revealing a man dressed in all black with a bandana around his head. Altair blinked at this sudden appearance but was distracted when another loud pinging sound filled the air and exclamation points appeared over all the nearby guards' heads.

The man looked at the white-robed assassin, a cold glare in his eye. "Fuck! No one told me there were assassins here!"

With a scoff, the black clothed man turned and ran, dropping a sheaf of glossy paper in the dirt.

Altair found himself inexplicably drawn to the sheaf, and when he looked down at it, he found himself blushing at all the nudey pictures of ladies on the paper. He looked up and realized that all the males in the area were gravitating towards him. He quickly turned and scaled the wall with success, reaching the roof.

Upon the roof, he found a girl. A beautiful girl with moonlight-colored hair, and sunshine yellow cateyes. She looked at him, stunning him with her beauty.

"Hello Altair... I am-" She gurgled this last line.

What? She gurgled it?

Yes, she gurgled it. Because Altair had sunk his knife deep into her throat.

He sighed in satisfaction, and wiped the weapon clean on her clothes.

"Another day, another case solved. Very well done, Scooby."

He patted the Great Dane and then proceeded to jump away, towards another lookout tower.

**Master Dragonbater**: He seems do do alot of proceeding... doesn't he, Dargon?  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: Yes... and now he will proceed to kill you.  
**Master Dragonbater**: :gurgle:

The End


	4. Sex with Vampires

Altair was a proud man... His strong stance said as much, as he stood on the edge of the roof, his mouth set in a grim line. He surveyed his surroundings with a dark steady eye, the breeze tugging at his white cloak. Taking a deep breath, his muscles tensed as he made a great leap from the roof to land on the ground and roll. He took off running down the street, the people around him stopping to stare at his back and whisper.

"Why is he doing that?" He heard in passing.

He closed his eyes for a moment, but when he opened them, he stopped abruptly. Before him stood an incredibly handsome man. His skin was as pale as Altair cloak, and his eyes were as red as blood. He gave Altair a grin, revealing sharp, elongated canines. The assassin took at double take at the man's chompers, and his own mouth dropped open.

"Eeesh, man! If I knew what a dentist was I would tell you to go to one!"

Suddenly, Teh Mity Dargon popped into the story and looked at the man before sighing. She flicked her wings in annoyance. The dargon held up a cell phone and squinting in the hot sunlight she dialed a number.

"Yeah, this is what the glitch was... yeah... we've got a case of vampires..." She sighed, exasperated, "Well I don't know what we're gonna do about it! Write me out of the story first and then I'll come help you!"

Master Dragonbater closed his phone and looked at the paper in the dim light of his cave. _Hmm. . . why am I looking at paper. . . I thought we were typing this. . . _He turned back to the computer and began to write. . .

Teh Mity Dargon ran behind a corner, and stopped when she heard a ring. :Auxiliary Call - Press Select: Dargon hit select, wherever the fuck her select button is, and knelt down to listen.

"FALCON. . . . PUUUUUUNCH!"

As she heard this, she looked to the side and got punched in the face, flying into orbit, to a planet known as Caprica, where a Cylon nuke proceeded to land on her. . . yes. . . proceeded, because EVERYTHING FUCKING PROCEEDS!

And she diededed.

Back on earth, Altair looked carefully at the 'so-called' vampire before him.

"What do you want?" He asked quietly. Dangerously.

The vampire (who seemed to be immune to sunlight... amazingly...) stared straight back into Altair's eyes. The blood-red orbs captured him, and Altair found he couldn't move

"It is time, Altair. For you to face the FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES!"

Altair stared dumbly at the vampire.

The vampire shook his head, and then looked at Altair. The next words that came out of his mouth were so seductive, so... sexy, that Altair found himself with an instant erection!

**Teh Mity Dargon**: DUDE, DRAGONBATER! I NEED A REZ!  
**Master Dragonbate**r: Okay, hold on... Wait, I have a question first... What the fuck is with you and making Altair get random erections?  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: They're not random erections! They're... Insta-Erections.  
**Master Dragonbater**: Instarection?  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: :shoots Dragonbater a dirty look: No. They're Insta-Erections. And you just got one.  
**Master Dragonbater**: What?! :Dragonbater gets an instant erection, and Altair notices and proceeds to bone him: Nooo... NO WAAAAAAAaaaaiitt... :he stops screaming, surprised: Hm!... Me likey.  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: :takes the computer from his hands: Hahahaha! It is time for you to face the FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES!

Anyways, back to Altair killing the vampire... After having sex with him, of course. Because that's what people do. They have sex with vampires. They choose to ignore the fact that vampires can't get erections. Because they're dead. Which is why Altair was the one on top. But that's beside the point. The point is vampires... are... dead. And they won't ever be alive again. Forever. Because they didn't face the FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES! For serious.

The vampire said. "You must come with me for you are... the Choosen One."

Altair closed his mouth and crossed his arms. "So, let me guess what we're gonna do. We're gonna travel to some far off vampire land, and along the journey, we'll grow closer to each other in more ways than one, and at the end of the journey, you'll have to choose between your love for me or carrying out your duty because you're the one who'll have to turn me into a vampire. Am I right?"

The vampire looked at the assassin, shocked. He then proceeded to take out a pair of glasses and put them on. He pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket, and scanned it quickly before clearing his throat.

"This is an apology letter from the Super Awesome Dragon Dudes. 'We apologize profusely for the crappy quality of this entire story, but also for the extremely low quality of this particular chapter. We do hope that you won't hold this against us... but if we said that your body looked hot in that dress would you hold it against us? We think not. Unless of course, you're a guy... In which case... Why are you wearing that dress? With love from us to you, The Super Awesome Dragon Dudes.'"

The vampire closed the letter, took off his glasses, and looking at Altair, he nodded.

Altair proceeded to stab him in the throat. Only, he didn't die, cause he was already dead. Because vampires are dead. And you should never bang them. Because they're dead. And their stinky limp cocks will never satisfy you.

The moral of the story? Please stop reading this fanfic.

In other news! Stay tuned for our next chapter in which Altair finally gets it on with a girl. But all girls explode from his orgasm... so- HOLY FUCK! IT'S RYAN! GET TO THE BATHYSPHERE!

The End.

**The Mighty Dragon**: Why... Why me...?  
Teh Mity Dargon stabs her in the chest.  
**The Mighty Dragon**: :gurgle:


	5. Blondphobias

Altair watched the girl run towards him. He cringed, because he realized she had blond hair. He had a blond-phobia.

"Oh... no... not another blond..." He whined. "NO! NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" In a suicidal attempt, he jumped off the roof. Unfortunately, for him, he failed at his suicidal attempt and landed in a hay stack, dragging the girl with him.

She moaned as she sat up, her blond hair flowing over her shoulders in unending waves. She looked at him, her light gray eyes holding a question.

"Why did you that?!" She scoffed.

He looked at her, disgust written plainly on his face. "I didn't. You jumped after me."

"Hmm... It seems you're right..." Then she proceeded to try and rape him. But failed.

"EPIC FAIL!"

Altair looked around, his cloak ripped and his eyes wet with tears.

He sniffled and looked around. "Who... who said that? Is... someone going to save me...? Please say someone heard me!"

The girl took him down with her superhuman strength, and he whimpered loudly as she tried to undo his pants.

"NO! NO DON'T! NO NO NO DON'T!"

"Why...?" She asked, in what she obviously thought was a seductive tone. "I'm so sexy in my skin-tight emo pants and random band shirt from Hot Topic! On top of that, I'm half-demon! With the power to regenerate, throw fireballs, ice balls, water balls (?), and air balls (Yeah. Cuz she plays basketball). All the people at my school hate me, and I would like to show them up, but I can't because really deep down, behind my hard exterior, I'm as soft as a teddy bear. (Teh Mity Dargon dies) Also! I was playing my Xbox 360, because I'm not a total girly-girl like all the other girls at my school, and I got sucked into this game! And I've always been attracted you! You're so dark!"

Altair screams and struggles harder. "NO! PLEEEEASE! I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL!"

**Master Dragonbater**: Hold on... wasn't he not a virgin?  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: :comes back from the dead: NO! WE MUST SAVE HIM! SAY HE'S A VIRGIN! JUST DO IT!  
**Master Dragonbater**: But... he's not a virgin... I thought we had something special... THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: :steals computer: and types "And Altair, being a virgin..."

And Altair, being a virgin, looked up at her with pleading eyes. She seemed to take pity on him, and proceeded to get off of him and put her clothes back on.

"Alright... I'll respect your wishes... Because I'm just so righteous like that."

And Altair sat up, looking around wildly for an escape route.

"But don't try to run away," she continued, "I surgically implanted a GPS into your brain, because I'm from the future, and I'm going to keep asking stupid questions about why you don't have TV, and I'm going to completely ignore the canon of the game, and history etc."

**:later that day:**

Altair, Teh Mity Dargon, and Master Dragonbater relax outside of a (French) cafe. In Acre.

"Man, it was a bitch getting here." Teh Mity Dargon growls, clenching her fist. "I kept blacking out and I had to start over, staring at a horse's butt!"

Altair sighs as sips his English Breakfast tea, imported from London. "Yeah, I'm glad you could come. I've got my gripes too..." He pauses, taking a gulp, and setting the cup down with a sigh. "You know what I really hate? How random blond girls, from fucking nowhere, or are born here! (unbelievable) and think... 'OH! I'm so pretty! And I'm so amazing! And I can keep up with Altair! And he wants my sexy body, with its washboard-flat abs, and just-the-right-sized breasts! I know it!'" He slams his fist down on the table in frustration.

Master Dragonbater reaches out and takes Altair's hand comfortingly in his claw, before leaning back in his chair, stretching out his blue-scaled body. "It's okay buddy... You know what I really hate? When people insert character versions of themselves into their own fanfic..." He exhales explosively in frustration. After a few minutes, his eyes suddenly widen, "Wait a minute..."

Teh Mity Dargon cocks an eyebrow. "Yeah. Anyways, there are many, many things that piss me off as well..." She began, as the waiter brought her another coffee, before tripping over her tail as he left. "OH! Are you okay, Snake?!"

Solid Snake sits on the ground, holding his broken leg. He nods to her, a pained expression on his face. She sighs in relief, and turns back to the table, one of her tail spikes imbedding into the unfortunate man's head.

"Yeah, I hate cross-overs. They never work."

The two others nod in agreement.

**:later that day, again:**

Altair plunged the knife into the man's chest, again... again... and again. The blood splattered everywhere as the man screamed in agony. Finally, when the job was done, the assassin stood up and took a deep breath. Then he noticed himself.

"What the fuck?! NO! There is blood _all over_ my white cloak!" He stamped his foot. "Do you know how _hard_ it is to get these things dry-cleaned?! And at this time in history?!"

The dead man made no sound in answer and Altair, angry at being so put off, turned around and ran up a wall.

The End


	6. You don't need to read this chapter

**(MALE NARRATOR) PREVIOUSLY ON A DAY IN THE LIFE...**

**He was created by man... (epic music)**

**He rebelled.**

**He evolved.**

**He looks and feels human.**

**He is programmed to think he is human.**

**There is only one copy.**

**And he has a plan. (and a hockey stick)**

**To kill all Mary-Sues.**

(Halo Theme Mjolnir Mix)

0000000000000000000

Master Dragonbater looked at the computer screen apprehensively. "Um... Dargon...? Did you write this? You know I was kidding about the Battlestar Galactica, right?"

Dargon looks at him, confused. "You were? Bu-But I already typed it out!"

"There's a backspace key..."

Her eyes widen. "No, there isn't!" She reaches over and rips out the key.

Dragonbater looks at the hole where the key used to be. "Um... Wow... Well-well then... Uh... On with the story..." He backs away from Dargon slowly.

0000000000000000000

Altair hoisted the Stanley Cup triumphantly. But then his face changed and he looked at it confused. "Um... how did I get this...? What are these names-" He stopped and gasped. "It's a hit list!"

He hid it in his pants and walked down the alleyway. As he reached the end of the alley he looked out into the bright sunlight. Down the hot city street, he could see a girl running his way.

**(Look, we're about to say ALOT of shit, that prolly won't make any sense, so you might as well skip this part. By the way... Dragonbater is about to hide sandwich in his STOMACH!!)**

She wore a sequined black form-fitting (we wish we could say fat-suit... but that makes no sense... so Altair is wearing the fat-suit! Okay, now he's not.) t-shirt that hugged her curves to perfection. Her jeans cradled her butt and thighs so that they swayed hypnotically as she ran. Her hair was straight and flowed down her back like a river of chocolate. It had _natural_ (HOW?!) blond highlights, and her eyes were deep glistening sapphires. Her skin, was creamy and pale and slightly tanned (for lack of continuity). She was black. Her lips were full and beautiful, and her eyelashes were big enough to cause a sandstorm every time she blinked. Her perfectly plucked eyebrows were arched in surprise as she ran. Her pale white cheeks were flushed red from the heat, and exertion. The scent she left caused butterflies and young children to follow her path, and every time she stumbled and yelled in surprise, her almond shaped eyes widened and her voice put birds to shame and into the ER. Her voice also happened to summon mermaids (which died in the Middle Eastern heat) and clouds of cotton candy. Everywhere she went there was singing, and people made love in the streets! She could play the flute, which summoned Legolas who followed her, enamored with her elfish beauty and grace.

**Dragonbater**: Did you just put Legolas into the story?  
**Dargon**: What? Yeah.  
**Dragonbater**: Take him out. Now.  
**Dargon**: No delete key!  
**Dragonbater**: Gah! :writes self into story:

Dragonbater materializes in a cloud of ice. When the cloud fades, his eyes being to shine a cold blinding blue and ice slides from his scales. His very hide emits a deathly cold and our two heroes(?) come to a halt before the gargantuan ice dragon. Their breath billows out into the chill air and Diamira (the running girl) begins to shiver. Dragonbater roars deeply and savagely, the call resounding through the air, causing a sonic wave that ran its way down the street breaking jars and knocking over buildings. The people around them scream in the chaos that the dragon brings, and a great rush ensues. Soon, the street is cleared of people, and Dragonbater bares his razor teeth in pleasure.

"Now... Legolas... It is time for you to die..." He says quietly. His spreads his icy wings, throwing sharp ice chunks towards them.

Suddenly, Diamira jumps forward, pulling a sword (out of her ass?) and uses her expert swordsmanship skills (That she just realized she had) and cut down all the ice chunks before they reached Legolas.

"You're going to have go through me first, monster!" She said defiantly, holding the sword with confidence.

The great dragon smirks. "No... You're not worth my time."

With a deft flick of his claw, he pushes the girl out of the way knocking her into a merchant's stand. Faster than thought, his head snakes out on his long neck and he closes his jaws around Legolas. The elf screams as his legs are severed from his body, and his life blood spills over the dragon's jaws. Diamira listens to his screams grow shorter and shorter inside of Dragonbater's mouth with horror. When they finally die down and Dragonbater chews the elf into little pieces with sickening cracks, she slaps both her hands to her cheeks and exclaims, "OH NOES! NOW I HAS ANGST!"

The ice dragon holds up his claws. "You didn't see anything... " and he disappears from the scene, the world returning to normal.

**(Alright, we're done explaining shit. You can read on from here. Wait... di-did you read above? Seriously... we warned you.)**

Altair, confused at her appearance, ran over to the collapsed merchant's stand and hit Diamira with the Stanley Cup, sending both the cup and the girl FORWARD IN TIME and back to the ungodly fanfic that they came from! TO FACE THE FULL LIFE CONSE-

(Author's note: The Cup did NOT go back to the fanfic. It went to the future. To the Hockey Hall of Fame. In Toronto. Fucking Ontario... In fucking Canada. Not that we care... Well... Dargon doesn't care.)

**Master Dragonbater**: :returning from his draconic tirade: NO! NO FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!! WE'VE STOLEN THAT ENOUGH!!  
**Teh Mity Dargon**: It's already there... and remember... the delete key is missing... :laughs maniacally:

**:Later that night:**

The red and white ball flew at Altair's head and he screamed like a little girl. He was seriously weakened, and paralyzed and asleep, and poisoned! And he still knew he couldn't escape this time! The ball hit him, blinding him! He stared around in confusion but then he saw his enemy!

Altair used Sword Thrust! He hurt himself in confusion!

He was sucked into the ball, and he found himself trapped in the fetal position.

Outside of the ball, a yellow mouse with red dotted cheeks ran up to the ball and put its forepaws on it.

Behind it, a boy jumped up and down in celebration.

"Alright, Pikachu! We caught an Assassin! What should we name it?! LOLZ!! I know! Altair!"

The boy reached down to collect the ball and release his new Pokemon. The disgruntled assassin looked at the boy.

"Ass? Assassin!" He said angrily. He released his hidden blade and drove it through the boy's eye before using SKY UPPERCUT, throwing the boy into the air. As the boy fell to the ground, Altair unhinged his jaw and NOMMED him!

The Pikachu looked at Altair. "Chu?"

He looked down at the yellow rat. "Come on, Pikachu."

And they rode off into the sunset with Sean Connery and Harrison Ford.

(Indiana Jones Theme. Roll Credits)

The End.

**Again... We apologize for this chapter... We've been hunting bad fanfics again... This is us dragging back our kill (it took both of us dragons... It was a BIG shitty piece of crap)... and mutilating it.  
With love and kisses,  
The Super Awesome Dragon Dudes**


	7. Regret Regret Regret

**We regretfully inform our readers that we, the writers, have made a very grave mistake. In Chapter 5, we created a Mary-Sue. Unfortunately, we forgot to kill her off before she took root... Now she has infected our system, and we cannot kill her off by normal means. Because of this we will have to take drastic measures.**

**We have complied a three step plan to destroy this Sue before she bangs our main characters, takes over the plot, completely overshadows Altair, and destroys all canon in the known universe.**

**Step 1: Find out her weakness. Because she is a Sue, she has no obvious weakness. Using Altair to stab her will not work because 1) He is too enamored by her beauty and 2) She probably has the power to regenerate at an extremely fast rate because she is half-demon, half-elf, half-dragon (Which one of our race would dare create such a monstrosity? Sadness.), and half-mermaid... And she probably has a million other races stuck in her because her ancestors were sluts. If you're wondering why we cannot just write her out... it is because she has grown too powerful over the last chapter and all we can do is isolate her.**

**Step 2: Destroy her ties to the story. Why we can't kill her right away is a good question. She's integrated herself too fully into our story. (How? We'll show you.) Sudden and traumatic removal will result in a plothole and will probably kill our dear story off.**

**Step 3: This is the third and most difficult step: Kill her. At this point, we'll hopefully be able to kill the Sue... That is, if she doesn't come back to life... Altair is a bit of a liability for he believes that he is the Sue's one true love and as you know, true love rules all. (Even we believe that.) He will attempt to bring her back to life. We're going to send everything we've got at her.**

--0--

Teh Mity Dargon looks sadly through the glass at Altair sitting slumped in the chair. He is bound tightly to the seat with chains and she cannot see his face. In another cell, Link is also bound the same way, his face unreadable.

"Oh... Dragonbater... Look at them... They're so sad..." She says with a frown. She turns her head to look at him, her wings drooping a little.

Master Dragonbater, who sits at the desk with the computer, rifles through an address book with the tips of his claws.

"Hmmm... What do you think about the Master Chief...? Hm? What was that, Dargon?"

She frowns at him. "Altair and Link! Look at them!"

The bigger ice dragon looks at the men sitting in their cells and he frowns back at her. "You know it's for their own good... Anymore exposure to that Sue, and we would've lost them both forever!"

Dargon sighs, and turns to look at Altair. Every time she does this she half-expects him to be gone. This time, when she looked back. She was right. She sighs again.

"Damn... Dragonbater, Altair escaped again."

Dragonbater looks up from the address book and he snorts. "It's your turn."

Dargon growls at the bigger dragon before standing to prowl out of the cave. As soon as she steps out into the tropical sunlight of her island, she looks about the forest.

"Altair? Altair, where did you go?"

She sees the assassin making his way towards the beach, and towards the portal that would bring him back to his beloved Sue.

Dargon snorts contemptuously. "Does he even know her name?" She asks herself. "Nah, it doesn't matter... it's probably something like, Lanyalia..."

Suddenly, the sky above pulses black and pink streaks of light, like claws ripping tears in the cloth of the night, shoot through the heavens. It fades back to normal. Dargon looks up at the spectacle. "Well, looks like I've named the Sue... What a dumb name..."

The writer dargon continues her way down to the beach, nimbly hopping from rock to rock, using her wings for balance. When she reaches the bottom, she is breathing heavily from the exertion.

She can see Altair down the beach, standing at the edge of the portal. (Why there is a portal there is never explained.) For some reason, he is hesitant. Teh Mity Dargon approaches him from behind, and when she settles down next to him, he is unsurprised at the dargon's sudden appearance.

He looks down at the swirling portal in the sand, and then he slowly tears his gaze away to look at the lilac-colored dragon. She was picking her teeth with a piwi-bird bone, and her snout was bloodied again.

"You know... Ever since you plucked me out of my fandom, and brought me here, I've been going over _countless_ plans in my mind to escape and get back to Lanyalia... But... Now that I'm finally standing over the portal back to Damascus, I'm hesitant..."

Dargon looks at him, her demeanor tinged with sadness. "I don't like seeing you this way... I liked it better when we could write about your adventures in the city and your various escapades with other fandom characters and the stupid sues that we made up..." She sighs, "But we overlooked a detail and now we must fix it... that's why you're here... So, if you'll just come back with me..."

His head suddenly shot up and he looks at her, his eyes hard. "No Dargon... I must get back to Lanyalia!"

With that he did a Leap of Faith into the portal and Dargon watches him without a move.

"You had a choice, Altair... Ally or enemy... But it seems you will be our enemy in this war..."

She stands, and turns away from the portal to see Link coming down the beach. She strides to meet him.

He stops before her, the Master Sword drawn.

"Dargon..." He begins, his voice nearly drowned out by the waves. "I..." His face changs and his stance straightens. He salutes the dargon and looks her straight in the eye. "I pledge myself to you in this war. I will do whatever it takes to resist Lanyalia, and bring Altair back to you!"

Teh Mity Dargon smiles and looks back at the portal.

Nodding to her, Link strides to the portal and bravely dives in...

--0--

"We need female heroes. Not males." Dargon says upon entering the cave.

Master Dragobater looks at her. "Yeah... that would make sense... I've complied a list." He holds the out the paper, skewered on a claw.

She glances down the list quickly, before moving to shove the bigger dragon out of the way of the computer. He smiles because she barely budges him, but moves to oblige her. He settles down in her previous spot.

"So then... I think we should start with..."

"Samus Aran."

"My thoughts exactly."


	8. He keeps it all in his pants

Master Dragonbater sits at the computer, staring at the screen, a blank look on his face. With a tremendous sigh, he turns and looks at Teh Mity Dargon. She's busy looking through the address book, desperate to find female heroes.

"You know..." He begins, "Now that we have an actual plot... With the Mary-Sue and all... It's really hard to write."

She looks up at him, her mouth in a tight frown. "Look, Dragonbater, I don't care. Just write!"

He raises a draconic eyebrow in surprise. "Well... no need to be short with me, woman. I was just saying..."

With another sigh, he turns back to the screen and places his claw tips on the keyboard. One of the them punctures a key and he raises his claw to look at it. In frustration, he begins to emanate extreme cold. "Rawr! Dargon, you write it! I cannot do it!"

She grunts as she stands. Chucking the address book at his head, she comes over and pushes him out of the way.

000

Alex the Spartan took off her helmet with flourish. Even though she was a Spartan, she had _long_ "strait"-

**Dragonbater:** Lemme guess! Lemme guess! Blond.  
**Dargon:** No. It's brown. But it has highlights. Because Spartans have all the time in the world to put highlights in.  
**Dragonbater:** Yeah, they also get manicures and pedicures daily.  
**Dargon:** Well, this one does. ANYWAYS!

... brown hair. Her eyes were golden brown, like pools of golden mud. (Wut?) She was an extraordinary Spartan-Laser-er.

**Dargon:** In more ways than one! :perverted smile:  
**Dragonbater:** Kinky...?  
**Dargon: **Your face is kinky!

She had a quick temper, and unlike the rest of the Spartans, she was the only kind in her class. She was a special-ops spartan. And she knew her family. Because she is speshul.

Lanyalia looked her over.

"You're perfect." She purred.

Alex smiled a winning smile, and rested her helmet on her shapely (cuz it showed through the armor) hip. Her glove creaked as she flexed her hand and looked over Lanyalia languidly. "So, why do you want me here?"

Lanyalia smiled back, challengingly. "You'll find out soon enough."

000

RANDOM FACTS! LET'S TALK ABOUT LANYALIA'S PAST! UNPROMPTED! (You can skip this part if you want.)

Lanyalia had a dark past. (Of course she did.) Her parents were killed by ninjas when she was only five. She vowed revenge. (Even though she was five and five-year-olds usually only care about ice cream and puppies NOTE! THIS IS A GENERALIZATION!). She had to raise herself until she was ten, and when she turned ten, she was taken in by the Brotherhood to become an assassin because she dressed up as a boy and she hid the fact that she was female from the other assassins, and she became the best in her class besides Altair, and they became best friends. (Now, try to say that in one breath. We dare you.)

Lanyalia was in Altair's room, in Masyaf, playing with her ancestral assassin's knife. That was magical. Altair walked in, and saw her and his eyes immediately lit up with passion, and love.

**Dargon:** :dies:  
**Dragonbater:** :shakes her dead body:

She smiled at him and blushed. "Hi, Altair..."

"Hi, Lanyalia! (**Dargon:** "You have my balls in a jar!") Uh..., So, the head-honcho told me to train you."

She-

**Dargon:**I'm sorry, does this seem like total gibberish to you? I don't think I'm even looking at the screen.

Suddenly, his feelings towards her great beauty were absolutely overwhelming, he got down on one knee and began to sing.

_One Song_

_I have but one song _

_One song _

_Only for you_

_One heart_

_Tenderly beating_

_Ever entreating_

_Constant and true-_

He was cut short by a hockey stick to the face. Dragonbater stood before him, an angry grimace on his face. Lanyalia gave him a dirty look. He stuck his forked tongue out before teleporting away.

**Dragonbater: **Did you really just write half of that out?  
**Dargon: **It wasn't me! It was the Sue!!  
**Dragonbater:** Why?! Why doesn't my hockey stick have an effect on her?!  
**Dargon:** ... You haven't tried it yet.

Lanyalia rushed to Altair's side. She saw that he was mortally wounded. Suddenly, a Triforce appeared on the back of her hand, and she leaned down to kiss him.

He breathed in suddenly, and looked up at her. "How did you do that? What's that symbol on the back of your hand?!"

"It's the Triforce of love! It's the fourth piece!"

Link popped in. "What the fuck are you talking about, you crazy bitch! 'Tri' means _three_! NOT FOUR! THERE IS NO TRIFORCE OF LOVE! AND THE EMPTY SPACE IN THE MIDDLE IS A FRAKKING HOLE!" He backhanded her across the face, and she fell to the floor whimpering. Altair jumped to his feet.

"How dare you hurt my one twu love!"

Link looked hurt, as he gazed at his former lover. He looked into the man's fiery eyes. "I didn't want to do this but...

**Dargon: **NO! I CANNOT WRITE WITH THAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING!  
**Dragonbater: **:takes off his cowboy hat bashfully: Sowwy. It was a love song... About sex. :he closes his eyes: She had a need to feel the thunder! To chase the lightnin' from the skies! To watch the storm with all its wonder, raging in her lover's eyes! She had to ride the heat of passion, like a comet burning bright-  
**Dargon:** ... You know what? You suck... Even though that strangely pertains to the scene between Altair and Link, it's STILL country. Which means it must die. Or you will die.  
**Dragonbater:** :hangs up his hat: Sowwy, baby.  
**Dargon:** :mumbles under her breath: It WAS a little sexy though...

Link drew the Master Sword, and Altair unsheathed his blade. From a hidden speaker, a man's voice cried out, "MORTAL KOMBAT!!", and the theme began to play.

**FIGHT!**

Link lunged at Altair, his blade whistling through the air. "HAIIIE!!"

Altair grunted as he deflected the blow, and he sliced at Link with his hidden blade, barely grazing the Hylian's neck. Link jumped back, and held his neck where a red line of blood appeared. Link did a jump attack at the assassin. Unfortunately, a bird randomly pooped on Link's hand, making the sword slip. Altair had locked onto him, and he parried Link quickly. In the blink of an eye, Altair had countered, and Link's blood spilled out over his sword.

"Uugh!" He grunted in surprise. He looked down at the sword sticking out of his chest. "Al... Altair..."

The assassin looked at the Hero of Time with a cold eye as he withdrew his blade, and let the boy sink to the floor. With bird poop on his hand. Altair kicked the Master Sword away, and watched as a pink fairy appeared out of Link's pants. As he bound Link's hands together, the fairy flew around the boy, healing him.

When Link came to, Altair and Lanyalia were standing over him.

"Alright, Altair, take his weapons." Lanyalia said.

"What? No! I'm not going in his pants!"

Lanyalia sighed prettily. Her purple eyes filled with amusement. "Why? You've been there before! Why not go now?"

Altair sighed. "Shouldn't you be uncomfortable with that fact?"

"No, I'm perfect. I accept all things in stride."

Altair smiled dreamily. "Yeah... you are perfect..." And he got an insta-erection.

Lanyalia looked at him, confused. "What? Are you attracted to me or something? I'm clueless! The author's wrote me so that I would be incredibly attractive, but not realize that everybody wanted to fuck me!"

Link looked up at them. "I don't wanna fuck you. I want Altair's cock in my mouth right now!" (We said there would be lemons. We never said they would be of good quality.)

Lanyalia looked down at him, and pouted. Altair fainted at the beauty of it.

"Oh, Link. One day, you will see just how 4w3sum!!oneone11!! I am."

Link cringed when she put her sweet smelling hand on his face. When she turned away, he looked up to the sky and whispered desperately, "Can anybody save me...?"

**The End**

Dargon sighs heavily. "Dragonbater, _will_ you turn the lights on?"

"One second!"

"Now!"

A spotlight turns on, revealing Dragonbater in a suit and holding a hat. ("The kind that Frank Sinatra wears." :sigh:). He smiles at her.

"I've got the world on a string. I'm sitting on a rainbow, got the string around my finger! What a world, what a life - I'm in love!"

Dargon rolls her eyes. "Really now? With who?"

"I've got a song that I sing. I can make the rain go, any time I move my finger, lucky me, can't you see - I'm in love..."

Dargon turns to the camcorder. "And that concludes our episode for today." And she hits the record button.

**DISCLAIMER! JUST FOR FUN! IN ALL CAPS! WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING! WE OWN OUR LIVES! LOVE, THE SUPER AWESOME DRAGON DUDES!**


	9. Spartan Lasers and Smash Balls

The gold and orange figure flitted down the hallway of the Assassin's Bureau. Her green faceplate shined momentarily in the fire light before she curled up into a ball and rolled silently down the hall to an open door. When she uncurled from her ball, she crouched to peek through the crack in the door.

"Mission Control," She whispered, "I have located the target."

"Roger that, Samus." A voice crackled, "Take her out."

Samus smiled inside of her helmet, and was about to bust open the door, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun and began to charge her gun. However, the green armored creature before her already had a laser pointed at her head.

Alex adjusted the Spartan Laser on her shoulder, rhythmically holding and releasing the trigger to keep it on a constant charge.

"Samus Aran... The first of many. To fail..." Alex said and smirked behind her faceplate, because Samus could TOTALLY see that.

Samus released the charge on her gun and looked around for an escape route. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a beautiful chance. It was a rainbow colored orb, bouncing around the ceiling. Like lightning, she jumped into the air, tucking into a ball, and hitting the orb several times. It broke, and Samus reveled in the power that flowed through her. Alex looked up at the glowing bounty hunter in astonishment. But before she could think to move, Samus landed before her and performed her Zero Laser. A great blue ball appeared at her gun and expanded, filling the Spartan's vision and blinding her. Suddenly, she screamed as the incredible pain filled ever part of her body, as though every nerve ending was touched by a searing rod. Then, she felt nothing. As the laser trailed away from her, Samus stood and sighed. Her armor powered down, and she felt it release from her body. She shook off some stray pieces and shook out her blond her. With a weary eye, she surveyed the damage. The hall way was no more, and she could see the city of Damascus beyond, a path through it burned by the laser. Before her, there was a smeared spot where Alex used to be, and behind her, the door slammed open, and Lanyalia stood framed in the light. Altair appeared behind her. Samus grimaced at them, quicker than thought, she pulled out her whip and slashed through Lanyalia's stomach. Lanyalia collapsed, holding her bleeding stomach, but looking oh-so-beautiful. Samus smirked at Altair and jumped away. He looked after her for a moment, an odd expression on his face.

"Mission Control?" She said, sounding miserable. She ran quickly over the rooftops, more agile than Altair could ever be.

"Don't worry about it, Samus. You've managed to delay it. That's what matters. Come back to base."

00000000000000000000

Altair brought Lanyalia into his arms, holding her bridal-style, and looked at her bleeding stomach.

"You'll be fine." He cooed into her ear. It was only a flesh wound, and would probably leave an attractive scar.

Lanyalia opened her purple eyes, which flashed gold with the pain. "Al-Altair... Is that you...?" She whispered.

Slowly, Lanyalia's demon genes kicked in, and the wound healed quickly, leaving an extremely attractive scar that was in the shape of the crescent moon. Altair gasped.

"Lanyalia!" He whispered. She looked up at him, the gold fading from her eyes as the pain subsided. "You're... You're the prophesied one!"

"What...?" She said, looking at the scar.

"Yes! You're :insert bullshit prophesy here:!"

Lanyalia looked at him. "No! I don't want this power! No! I just want to get back to the real world! Even if my father beats me, and all the people at my school hate me-"

**Dragonbater**: Wait... in the last chapter, you made it seem like she was born in the Middle East, and suddenly, she's the Hot Topic Chick from the chapter before...  
**Dargon**: :shrugs: I'm just trying to keep up with the Sue Theme. It's for continuity.  
**Dragonbater**: ... Wait, what?

Suddenly, a great griffin appeared before Lanyalia and began to nudge her gently with its black beak. It had eyes that matched hers, and an amulet around its neck that matched hers as well.

"It's okay, Skull." She whispered to it. "I'm okay..."

Altair stumbled to his feet and drew his blade, looking at the griffin warily. "What is that thing?!"

Lanyalia looked at him, and getting up, she smiled. "Oh, this is my demon pet, Skull. He's a griffin cyborg of epic proportions!"

Altair sighed and held his head. "You certainly have a lot of tricks up your sleeve, milady... that's for sure..."

Lanyalia jumped quickly onto the griffin's back. "Now... :Insert (not so) awesome threat/challenge/epic statement here:."

The End.


	10. Apologies

WARNING: LEMONS AND LOTS OF THEM. SOUR LITTLE BUGGERS.

This, my friends, is the reason for our absence:

ODSTs attacked our cave and destroyed everything. Yes. Then they had an awesome orgy in the middle of it all. Why? Because ODSTs are hot and they should do lots of smutty things like that.

Did I say that aloud? Apologies!

Now, I, Teh Mity Dargon, will revive this timeless epic, and the Super Awesome Dragon Dudes will live again!

WARNING: END OF LEMONS. WASN'T THAT SATISFYING?


End file.
